beautiful nightmare

If only I could go to you - Song Jieun

I've been trying to look on the bright side of things. But then I began realising that I was just deceiving myself. I know things will never work out the way I want them to be, and neither will I be able to control my feelings at all. I've been telling myself that everything will be okay. That someday I will get used to it and it will not feel so bad anymore. But that someday never came. Even after 3 years I still feel the same.

I know you promised you would always be here for me no matter what. And I know that what we have is much more than what normal friends or "bros" will ever have. But someday, some girl is going to come along and have your heart without even trying. And you're gonna care for her the same way you care for me. You're gonna tell her that she is the only girl in your life. You will play with her, laugh with her, be silly around her and hold her. You will do everything we ever did with her. And she will love you the same way that I love you. But the difference is that you will love her too. Am I suppose to let you go then, give you my well wishes, and pretend that nothing ever happened?

You never said that you didn't want me, yet you never said that you wanted me either. All you ever told me is that the thought of me leaving you breaks your heart. And that is what makes me stay. Because I never want to break your heart. Yet on the other hand, I am trying not to feel anything whenever we are together. I am trying so hard to treat you like all my other bros. But I can't. I can't even stop my tears from falling whenever I think about you or whenever I look you straight in the eye.

You just don't know what it is like to love someone this much. That is why you don't know how much it hurts knowing that at the end of the day we spend together, we will always be nothing more than friends. You don't know what it is like to keep your feelings to yourself just so that the other person can be happy. And you will never understand how it feels like to burst with happiness just because I get to spend time with you. Neither will you understand what it is like to cry yourself to sleep every time we argued and ended everything with a "k bye."

My friends all told me that I asked for it. I shouldn't be soft and I shouldn't even give in, especially when I clearly know what I am getting myself into. They are right. But I can't control how I feel either.

They don't know that I have tried ignoring you, asking you to go away, calling you the nastiest things I could ever think of. They just don't work. Every time I see you try so hard to get me to talk to you, or ask me why I am ignoring you, I just can't help but give up and give you another chance.

It is funny how I am shooting myself in the foot over and over again, but I don't ever learn from the pain.

Some day you'll just be nothing but a beautiful nightmare I never want to wake up from.

I obviously lost...