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I don't know if you would actually read this. But whatever it is, I can't seem to fight the need to write this post for you.

I know I have apologized a million times for many things. I know that you are tired. I know that I can't do anything more than watch you stress out because of the pressure. I know that all I really want is for you to just chill and be okay. 

Honestly, I am tired too. 

I am tired of you playing hot and cold with me. I am tired of trying to figure you out, only to realize every time that I can't seem to or that I was wrong. Some times I get tired of waiting, and I really want to just give up. Yet every single time when I can't take anymore, you always give me a reason to stay, and I find myself back at where I started.

I don't know if you really care. I don't know what is on your mind. I don't even know what you want.

If you wanted to put it in a harsh way, you could say that I don't know you more than that of an acquaintance.

But I know that I did not wait for 3 years just to give up and walk away from you like I have always done previously. 

There are days whereby I wished that we never knew each other, because maybe then we would both be happier in our own ways.

I would blame myself for not letting you go when I could. I should have just continued pushing you away till you gave up. I never should have met you that day and let myself appear so helpless and pathetic in front of you. Because at the end of the day, what could you have done if I never replied any of your messages? You would let me go eventually. And you would forget me.

That would be so much better for you.

To me, it doesn't matter if I had to cry every night just because I let you go. The pain does not bother me.

What matters is that you are alright.

I would not do anything to make you happy simply because that is not in my nature.

But if I could, I would prevent you from getting hurt for as long as I can. And if I can't prevent it, I would be more than willing to take the blow for you so that at least if you feel the impact, it would not hurt so much. I cannot do more than watch you try to handle the stress. All I can do is to hope that in time you would get over it or try to manage it.

For 1.5 years, I liked you from afar because I knew that you were well out of my league. 

For a year, I tried to ignore you, push you away, and make you get out of my life.

I should have continued doing that.

I know you were always by my side when no one else was. You suck at comforting people, but you listened to me and tolerated me while I insulted you and blamed you for things you did not do.

That night you listened to me for 15 minutes even though you were really tired. You made sure that I smiled and felt better before you hung up the phone.

You told me that love is selfish. But that should not be it.

I have said things that hurt you without intending to, I have called you nasty names out of anger and I have upset you countless times. For that, I am sorry.

I am sorry for wanting too much.

I am not easy to handle and understand either. You ended up giving in to me most of the time.

Sorry.

I am sorry for being a bitch and a burden.

I am sorry that you might even be tired because of me.

I am sorry for dragging you into my problems because I didn't know how tired and stressed up you were.

I am sorry for asking stupid questions and expecting answers.

Finally, I am sorry that you had to know me and put up with everything. I am sorry that I fell in love with you and expected you to feel the same.

But thank you for everything you did for me from the day we met till now.

You may not know this, but there were moments where you have made me feel like the happiest and luckiest girl in the world. It was all the little things you did for me, the fact that you never gave up on me despite me asking you to that made me love you even more than I did.

Thank you, and I am sorry.

I never meant to hurt you.