Maybe...~

So apparently tonight I'm lying in bed thinking about you. 

I don't know if you really care for me. Or is it because you feel you're responsible for the state I am in now... Why do you seem to always keep a look out for me? Is it too much if I were to ask you to stop and just go away? Maybe it's easy for you. But I don't know about me. What about me? 

6 months ago I was convinced that we had a chance together. I mean.. Hey! It's rare that you like someone and they like you too. 

5 months ago you decided that you wanted to give up because you can't forget her. Because you felt it's unfair to me. Because I deserve better than you. But did you really feel this way? I don't know...

4 months ago I thought I could finally let you go. I thought about you less. And even if I did, I didn't hurt so much...

 

3 months ago you just stopped being a part of me. It's like you never existed in my life. Like we never crossed paths.

Today I find myself wondering how I managed to suppress my feelings for you to the extent that I didn't know I still love you because deep down I obviously do. I find myself trying to keep hold of myself and calm down with all these overwhelming feelings rushing towards me once again. I find myself thinking that maybe... Just maybe we still have a chance. Maybe you meant everything you said. Maybe you still love me too. 

Maybe... So many maybes... 

Then again... Maybe you felt that you're responsible for making me so vulnerable and weak. Maybe you feel guilty for leaving me suddenly.

Maybe I'm stronger than this...

I keep telling myself that I'm manly enough to take the pain. Manly people don't cry.. Manly people don't hurt.. Manly people are well... Manly. 

But how much of it is true? How much pain and heartbreak can a person take before he/she finally crumbles to nothingness? How much more manly does a person have to be so that he/she will no longer know what hurt is? 

I envied people who could cry like nobody's business... Really. Because they let it out. Then they don't feel that bad anymore. I was told that only weak people cry. So I tried my best to hold it in and seldom cried. I didn't want to be a weakling. I didn't need people to treat me like a fragile piece of glass just because they thought I would lose it anytime. No... I wanted people to see me as someone who can get back up on her own two feet no matter how badly she's fallen. But it's even harder this way.

Every morning you wake up... You put on a mask. You portray what you want others to see you as. You hide your real you. No matter how much pain you feel, you smile. No matter how much you want to cry, you laugh. One day you look in the mirror and you wonder... "Is this really who I am?" No... It's not. The real you is hiding somewhere buried under these facades you use to cover it, screaming for help. And when you find out that you're still hurting, you put on more masks, more smiles, more laughter. For what? Just so you can feel that brief moment of happiness? After all... A little happiness is better than none. 

People say the most beautiful smiles in the world often hides the saddest story. The most beautiful laughter often hides a river of tears. The most beautiful heart has gone through the most pain. After all... How can you ever feel genuinely happy if you've never ever felt sadness or grieve in your life? 

At the end of this post.. I don't know why I'm writing this. Is it because I'm hoping that you'll stumble upon it? Or is it because I want a platform to rant on.. Maybe it's because I wanna reach out to people who feel the same way. I don't know... I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. If there was a colour that could describe my current feelings.. Rainbow would be it. I don't mean the pretty rainbow you see in the sky. I mean messy colours splashed on a white canvas... That rainbow. 

What I do know is that I'm thankful to have friends I can talk to and confide in today. You know who you are. Thanks for noticing that I'm feeling down, thanks for checking up on me... If it weren't for you guys, I'd be worse than an emotional wreck now. Love you.