Being Ugly

So... I've been ugly all my life so far. I never thought of myself as a beautiful person or someone that could capture a guy's heart with her looks. Rather I always saw myself as a person who was always under dressed to go out, way below average and fat. 

I actually managed to accept the fact that I was fat and ugly back in primary school because everyone accepted me for who I was. Sure there were moments that I wished that I was as pretty as this classmate of mine, but most of the time, I just accepted myself.

Just when I thought I was doing fine, I entered secondary school,

I remember being mocked at for my size and being the only girl in TAF club. And because those people thought it was fun, they mocked my appearance too. I wasn't too bothered by it at first. Cos you know, when you accept yourself, it takes a lot to break that acceptance. But after hearing things like "eh, why you so fat ah?" , "walao, you damn big size eh..." and "you think you very pretty ah?" almost everyday, I began to ask myself if I was that acceptable after all. Of course I didn't show anything on the outside, but I was really breaking into pieces and trying to love myself throughout that entire year.

So I started working on my diet first. I starved myself like crazy (literally one small tiny meal a day) and if I ate a little bit more than I felt I should, I would force myself to throw up. I hated exercising, so I never went to the gym. But by June the very next year, I went from 53kg to 44.5kg. I honestly thought that if I slimmed down, maybe people would stop teasing me. Guess what? Nope, to them I was still fat and ugly.

Okay, Fair enough.

I ditched my glasses for transparent contact lenses and thought "hey, I don't look that bad..." 

I THOUGHT I DIDN'T LOOK THAT BAD

"Eh, you see that fatty Cheryl. She think she like that very pretty. Pui ah..."

Er... ya, ouch much? 

So next I tried enlarging lenses.

"Eh eh! Omg you see! She think she wear those big big contact lens she damn chio."

krik krik krik...

EH HELLO?! MY LOOKS OFFEND YOU AH?!

As if that wasn't enough. I heard people saying that I went for plastic surgery and that I wore make up to school everyday when none of it was true. I'd give them the fact that I would look horrible without my circle lenses, but make up and surgery? No. None of it. 

So it was in Sec 3 that I finally realised that I couldn't please everyone. There was only so much I could do to improve the way I looked, and everyone had something to say about it. Sure there were people that sided with me and told me that I had nothing to worry or be upset about. But being on the receiving end of these comments really hurt me a lot. 

Even after I graduated from secondary school last year, those insecurities I had still followed me all the way till today. And when people complemented me, I'd brush off their comments because I thought they just didn't want to offend me.

It was not until recently that when I finally showed my extremely ugly side (no circle lenses, no make up, 100% natural in home clothes) to a guy friend, who even after seeing that side of me asked me to be his girlfriend did I realise that there are people who will still love and accept me for how I really look like (besides family la huh..) It was also then that I started getting my confidence back and being less conscious about how I look everyday. Sure I'm fat and chubby. Sure I'm short. Sure I look like crap without my circle lenses. But so? There are still people who think I am beautiful. 

But at the end of the day, I don't hate those people who used to call me names. After all you don't know beauty until you have been ugly. In fact, I thank them for being the only people in the world who made fun of me. Because now I simply laugh off such comments and they don't affect me anymore. Thank you all so much for making an effort to make me feel so worthless and ugly. 

Also, to everyone who thought I was beautiful back then, you people are the ones I never learnt to accept compliments from. But I just wanna say thank you so much. It made me feel better about myself, even though there was some element of doubt in it. 

And to people who are telling me that I am beautiful till today, you guys are my confidence boosters:) Thank you all so much for telling me that <3 It really makes my day. 

And in case you people are going to start being like "walao, She think she so pretty now." or "confirm make up one la... See her without contact lens and make up", just a short disclaimer. 

I DO NOT think I am pretty at all. In fact, I think I'm just average looking. But I learnt to love myself just because it makes me feel good. If you have anything against that, please take a queue number and wait for me to give a 2 shit flying fuck about it. 

And by the way... To you girls who called me ugly and fake, didn't you wear circle lenses too? Don't you wear make up when you go out? If you don't, I have absolutely nothing against you. But for those if you who do, why don't you shed your make up and lenses? Do you look better than me now?